A Brazilian legislator proposed a law to make it a crime to give Brazilian people's first names to pets, (and to give pet names to people). Psychologists suggest that Brazilian kids become depressed if they discover that a pet shares their name, like Humberto, Ivomar, or Kleber.

I think that those names would depress my pets too. Just in case the law is passed, I changed my pet piranha's name from Renaldo to Rover and pet turtle's name from Silvia to Spot.

Brazilians aren't the only people who take offense at having the same first name as an animal. My husband hates his middle name Arnold because it's the pig's name on the TV show Green Acres.

Maybe Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger finds this offensive too, and would be willing to propose the same law in California. I think that if Sylvester Stallone knew that we named our dog, Rocky Balboa after him, he would be supporting this legislation (I see the potential to make out big on a new bumper sticker here).

Giving a person the same name as a pet can also lead to more confusion and self-esteem issues. Trying to please my father, my younger brother named his first born, after our father's deeply beloved, pet horse, Trigger. Shortly after Trigger, my nephew, was born, I called Dad to ask about Trigger.

"Trigger kicked the feed bucket, sweet heart," Dad replied to me, in his usual, clinically morose tone.

"No dad. I'm not talking about your horse... I'm talking about your grandson, Trigger."

Not meaning to, Grandpa caused Trigger, my nephew, deep psychological scarring, by constantly mixing him up with his belly-up horse, Trigger. After years of psychotherapy, Trigger doesn't take it as personally. Although, he will always feel that he'll never measure up to my Dad's horse, Trigger.

In addition to a child being given a pet's name and causing humiliation, being named after certain celebrity children may cause mental anguish as well. It's not that names like Moon Unit, Diva Muffin, and Fifi Trixibelle aren't creative and interesting. It's just that they might not be well received among a child's peers. Playground bullies tend to be very conservative about their naming conventions.

It's also a challenge to pick a name that will stay popular from diapers to Depends. None of the following (Social Security Administration) popular names that are on the top fifty list in the early 1900s are included on today's list like Elmer, Floyd, Harold, Bertha, Ethel, Gladys, and Mildred.

So, even if you give your kid a popular name at birth, if your child lives into the drink supplement and assisted living years, their name may be abhorred and ridiculed by radio disc jockeys and comedians, leading to even more psychological damage. (Hopefully, by then they'll be too senile to remember their name).

Giving a kid a popular name may seem kind at first, but beware. When my folks gave me the name Debbie, it was ranked number twelve on the Social Security administration list. Screen idol Debbie Reynolds had twenty-seven, sappy box office hits. There were at least two or three Debbies in my class. Mrs. Tardy, my kindergarten teacher, solved the problem by calling all of the Debbies by their initials. My initials were "DLE".

"Ha! Ha! DLE. That sounds like Dull. You sure are dull!" Willy Booring shouted out. Thanks to Willy, my nickname stuck through grammar school.

Also humiliating were my relatives who nick named me "Debra-Do", especially, when they attended my team games, and yelled, "Debra-Do! Debra-Do!" from the bleachers. This was to distinguish me from my two, Debbie cousins, "Dee-Bee" and "Dee-Bra", who refused to go out with our relatives in public.

Also, one's name in a new country can change the meaning, and a person's view of one's self. When my Chinese friend moved to the U.S, her name became more appropriate to describe used diapers or bottom wipes - Shitsi. Ironically, my co-worker from Vietnam actually seemed proud of his newly defined name. He'd introduced himself, and say with a chuckle, "Hi, my name is Hung Dam. Hung Dam good that is. (Haa haa.)."

If a law is passed prohibiting human names to be given to pets in Brazil, I hope that legislation will also be passed to make sure that additional strict naming conventions are put into place. Then, no child will ever be in danger of sharing their name with a pet, a celebrity kid, a dozen other kids in their class, getting an outdated name, or an out of place name.

Maybe the simplest solution is to propose a law that will allow kids to change their name if they don't like it. However, that will entail more paperwork and bureaucracy. But, paperwork is something that all Brazilians (and ex-pats) need to get used to. And, at least it would prevent people from being subjected to names like Debra-Do.

This article was written in a humorous vein and should not be taken seriously.

D.E. Finley is a writer and graphic artist. You can visit her website at http://defDesigns.com

© D. E. Finley 2005

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