I have stayed almost 11 months in Brazil fulfilling my ultimate dream.  I have another four days until I arrive back in my home city, State College.  Four days until I am rudely awakened and forced to return to reality. The other night, a biting thought kept me from sleeping. The smells, the sights, the tastes, and as I took a deep breath, stopping to remember the feelings, and all the people, everything...will change. 

We have traveled to various different places trying to see the country we have plopped ourselves into and have returned to the same town over and over that we called 'home' for a year. Only this time, the thought of returning is wrapped up in constant uncertainty. 

We might never see any of the people again in our lives, never eat mandioca cooked with rice, never swim with piranhas or see the faces of the Amazonian children playing in the village. 

The idea of returning seems so easily obtainable right now, with all of our friendships so fresh, and the people so willing to have us stay in their homes.  But we'll go back to our home countries, work will resume for some of us, college will start for others, and the people we once called our friends a year ago will be the same people who drove up to say goodbye wishing you a good trip, a happy year. 

Our lives will become grooves that we can't get out of, routines we are afraid to leave.  We will write e-mails, the occasional letter, maybe give a call once in a while. Then once memories become a little more distant the friendships a little less personal, the e-mails will slow, the calls will come to a halt, and there will be almost no trace of a written letter. 

Of course we will remember the best friends we made, all the times having tererê talking about how many kids you want, or how horrible of a president Bush is, forever burned into our memory. 

We will have the bracelets, the scars, longer hair, maybe a flag, our jackets with the pins from the other students that will always be there to remind us of the 11 months spent in paradise.  It's hard to see right now, the changes we have gone through, but we are entirely different people. 

We have seen things that we won't see for the rest of our lives...  When we get home, we will try to relate what we have experienced, showing pictures, explaining, flailing your hands in air trying to show your friends how it was to jump 18 feet into a river, but we will fail because each and every adventure was such a unique experience.

The feel of your feet hitting the water, a soft sheet of cold stone, feels real, and when you remember it, you ask yourself how your listener doesn't understand you as you stand in a puddle of your own memory.

We have created lives in each of our host countries.  Exceptionally different from the ones we have put on pause.  We have all mastered the languages, the customs, having turned into the very people we have been influenced by during these precious months so far from familiarity. 

We were only babies when we arrived, but over the course of less than a year we have grown and matured into young adults who's views and choices will be forever changed by the cultural windows that we have opened. 

I know that I have had to make some pretty heavy-duty choices, and I know you all have had to do the same thing...  We have grown in ways only our family can see.  Maybe your hair is longer, maybe you bought new clothes, maybe you dove into shallow water and hit your head on the sand and developed a nasty scar directly in the middle of your forehead, no wait, that was me, but the changes in character, in the ability to deal with the hardships of life, how you view the situations of every day, these are the things that you can't see yet, but when you arrive back in your city, your family will make little side comments, "Torey, you have changed so much." 

How is it that we can leave our lives, however temporarily, to lead new lives in a strange atmosphere then be asked to leave, once again, without the promise of return?  These last couple weeks have been filled with sweet goodbyes, promises, and tears...

The end will always be a hard truth, but when you have a year in front of you, it seems like forever, and when it's behind you, only a memory, only a blink of an eye, its not enough. This past year has changed who we are, and has enriched our lives. 

I stayed awake that night thinking about all the people who helped to mold me, to teach me everything I needed to know to become a different human being. The thing is, they don't even know they did all this. 

How do I say goodbye?  How do I thank them? For each person I met here they will say goodbye to me, but I will have to say goodbye to many people.  They're not goodbyes so much as they are delayed see-you-laters.  After so much time, the days seemed infinite. The inevitable end to this journey was never really considered. 

We developed habits, getting up, going to school, having água de coco every day after lunch, the lives we have created have become so much a part of who we are.  I was sure I'd wake up in my stiff, sheet-less bed tomorrow to the smell of rice and garlic and the sound of food frying. 

I wasn't looking forward to the daily hike I had to make downtown, sweating in the relentless heat tomorrow.  I was so sure that next week I would go to the movies with my friends and see Batman Begins.  I was positive that I had to buy that one kid a candy bar.  But now the harsh reality that all this would eventually end has arrived. 

What a slap in the face.  All the tomorrows from here on out are filled with mystery. The only certainty is that tomorrow, I won't be here.

My life will be turned upside down for the second time. I have already caught myself trying to make plans for next weekend, having to stop myself and remember one more time, that I wont be here, able to do this anymore. 

But I always think to myself, man, how lucky am I to have been given the chance to see and experience what I have... 

The Amazon, Brazil's capital, Brasília, the Brazilian beach Balneário Camboriú, Paraguay and all the little things you see around town. Not too many can say that they have realized their biggest dreams and have been a part of others. 

The most precious gifts we could ever bring back from any place we return from are the memories. Each smile, each laugh, permanently locked into our minds. We can always look back and remember the times we had, the life changing events and the priceless moments, snapped...just like a picture in your head.

I have to thank Rotary for giving me the helping hand I needed to realize my dream. Without Rotary I would have had a very different year, and not necessarily a better one. Something my friend, Thayla, in Brazil told me one time is, "Pessoas são como música, entram em nossas vidas e deixam sinais, raramente encontramos pessoas assim que deixam nossas vidas mais felízes."

"People are like music, they enter in and out of our lives and leave signals, rarely do we meet people like this, that leave our lives filled with so much more happiness."

Thanks to Rotary, and my parents I have been able to meet some really incredible people from all around the world and the memories will always run through my heart.

C. Torey Novak is an American who spent a year in Brazil from June 2004 to June 2005 as an exchange student.  He can be contacted at ctn5005@psu.edu.

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