RAPIDINHAS

Not even death should be now a deterrent to those fans so committed to their soccer teams that they are determined to love their colors to death and beyond. Brazilians' passion for futebol has inspired Polish undertaker Carlos Sysocki to create designer coffins with the colors and symbols of the country's most popular teams. At Funerária Paraná in Curitiba (state of Paraná) fans of popular soccer teams such as Flamengo, Fluminense, Palmeiras, Corinthians and Atlético Paranaense, among others, can bid their final farewell inside one of these caskets. "These are for those who have made futebol their religion," explained Sysocki, who started the business in response to a series of requests of bereaved relatives.

The address is http://www.odci.gov/cia There the Central Intelligence Agency has made public a fraction of the information they've been gathering on Brazil for many decades. Despite the little room reserved for the country, the Langley gumshoes are able to present some detailed information on the other land down under, like the percentage of votes won by every one of the six candidates on the October '94 presidential election. They even add the information to that election: "second free, direct presidential election since 1960." Males fit for military service, reveal the page, are 29,815,576. The site also discloses that Brazilians speak Portuguese, Spanish, English, and French. That's secret info. No Brazilian knew about that. The CIA effort doesn't mention, however, the recently uncovered scheme by which that intelligence agency was paying Brazilian Federal Police agents to fight narcotraffic. When President Fernando Henrique Cardoso mentioned his displeasure after finding out about that, the US State Department answered with an impish, "We didn't know anything either."

Come October 3, 30 million Brazilians living in cities with a population of 200,000 or more will be voting by computer for the first time. The voters will not use pencil, pen or any piercing object since all they have to do is to key in the number of their candidates for mayor and city council. Shaped as a toaster oven, the voting computer has the numbers displayed as in a public phone. Tests in several markets, according to the electoral authorities, have shown that the gadget makes it easier for illiterate, functional illiterate and the visual impaired to vote. There are 8 million voters in these conditions in Brazil. More than $70 million were spent by the TSE (Tribunal Superior Eleitoral -- Superior Electoral Tribunal) for 73,780 computer terminals.

Luzia das Virgens e Silva from Maceió, state of Alagoas, thought she was a lucky woman. After decades of work she was able to retire with what she expected would be a reasonable pension. Besides, the Brazilian constitution establishes that no one can receive a less than $100 pension. Inflation and changes of currency (cruzeiro, cruzeiro real, real), however, have contributed to her monthly check to dwindle to 1 cent. Yes, one miserable penny. Ever so efficient the government keeps sending her the pay check at a cost of 57 cents per check. This story shows why more than 10,000 checks sent by the Social Security are never cashed. It would be way too expensive to do it.

There are Brazilian hands on Lybian leader Muammar al-Khadafy's head. The 3,000 new hair filaments Khadafy got over his fast-balding scalp was the work of Munir Miguel Curi, a Paulista (from São Paulo) plastic surgeon who was also the inventor, ten years ago, of the filament-by-filament implant technique that seems to work much better than the traditional way of skin patches. The microsurgery happened in October, but it was kept secret. Curi himself is mum. "Ethics prevents me from releasing my patients' names," he said. It can take six months for the new hair to start growing. That would explain why Khadafy these days has always some sort of cap covering his head.

Who are the wealthiest celebrities in Brazil and how much are they really making? That was the theme of a recent cover story by ever so exacting newsweekly magazine Veja. At the top of the list for the 20 biggest earners between May '95 and April '96 came Gugu Liberato, a TV presenter, who makes an average of $1.5 million a month. And then there are:

2. Roberto Carlos (singer and composer) -- $1.1 million

3. Xuxa (TV presenter and singer) -- $1 million

4. Beto Carrero (circus's entertainer) -- $450,000

5. Raça Negra (musical band) -- $410,000

6. Zezé di Camargo & Luciano (country singers) -- $356,000

7. Paulo Coelho (esoteric writer) -- $350,000

8. Leandro & Leonardo (country singers) -- $315,000

9. Mamonas Assassinas (musical band) -- $275,000

10. Jô Soares (TV presenter and writer) -- $228,000

11. Fausto Silva (TV presenter) -- $208,000

12. Mônica Buonfiglio (esoteric writer) -- $200,000

13. Angélica (TV presenter) -- $196,000

14. Tom Cavalcante (TV comedian) -- $195,000

15. Fábio Jr. (TV actor and singer) -- $194,000

16. Chitãozinho & Xororó (country singers) -- $190,000

17. Eli Correa (radio presenter) -- $170,000

18. Lair Ribeiro (self-help writer) -- $160,000

19. Benedito Ruy Barbosa (TV soap opera writer) -- $150,000

20. Miguel Falabella (TV actor and playwright) -- $140,000

It was a court struggle that included blood tests and vehement paternity denials, but at the end Sandra Regina Machado, 26, was able to change her name to Sandra Regina Machado Arantes do Nascimento. Arantes do Nascimento, as you know, is also the surname of Brazil's Sports Minister, Édson Arantes do Nascimento, better known all over the world as Pelé. Sandra was the fruit of an inconsequential liaison between Pelé and maid Anísia Machado.

It's all there at the Cremerj's (Rio's Regional Council of Medicine) journal. Brazilian Ivo Pitanguy, arguably the world's most famous plastic surgeon, has some impressive numbers to show at 70: 40,000 plastic surgeries performed, 50 books written, 800 scientific papers published. Pitanguy keeps a pace that many of his younger colleagues can't match. The celebrity surgeon averages five operations a week and 35 consultations a day.

Since the end of June Banco do Brasil has become the pioneer in a field that should make life much easier for Brazilians traveling abroad. That state Bank is offering the Visa Electron, a debit card that can be used all over the world as any international credit card as well as in automatic tellers that work with Visa cards. Soon, other banks will also be offering a service that will allow Brazilians to make direct withdrawals from their bank accounts in over 260,000 Visa and Mastercard terminals around the globe. For the privilege of having their reais automatically converted into the domestic currency the customer will pay from $1 to $2 per transaction.

The New York ghetto-born rap has quite a following in the suburbs of Brazil's big cities. Sometimes however their rhythm and their talk are quite unintelligible to the non-initiated. That's why last year Radical Records accompanied its Pivete's Ex-Detento release with a glossary. Here's a little sample of how these youngsters communicate among themselves:

baseado -- friend
boné -- (lit. cap) scam
brecha -- foul-up
crocodilagem -- bad intention
paga-pau -- brownnose
pelé -- tripping
pungar -- to understand
se pá e pum -- if possible