Usually I write about political stuff. Or serious things. But stay with me. This is really a serious article about male machismo among investment bankers, and how far that will take them, impacting the entire Internet.
By this time, it would appear that most of the world has watched the forbidden video of wildly popular Brazilian MTV host Daniela Cicarelli, 27, a triathlete and model, former soccer legend Ronaldinho's wife and her lover, Merrill Lynch & Co. banker Renato Malzoni Filho, or as he is called in Brazil, "Tato Malzoni," 33.
The reason the world has watched is because the couple managed to get a Brazilian judge to issue an injunction against U.S. based YouTube, forcing the company to block the video. Which, of course, made the video an overnight sensation.
And the ban didn't really help, since the video popped up on other sites, such as this one:
Of course, the combination of a triathlete model unwillingly staring in her own steamy beach video with her playboy boyfriend, going all the way Pamela Anderson-style, was reason enough for the allure.
But I don't think that was the reason for investment banker Malzoni's decision to try to stop the video. Remember, he is a macho guy in a very macho country.
Bloomberg News reports that Brazilian gossip columnist Ricardo Boechat said, "As long as the bank doesn't complain, who in their right mind is going to hold the fact that he has made love to a beautiful woman against him."
Exactly. After all, the investment bankers call themselves, "big swinging d–ks," an expression made famous by Michael Lewis in Liar's Poker, published in 1989.
And that may be crux in this matter. Mr. Malzoni is probably very proud of his latest conquest, since Brazilian magazines have made it a sport to photograph him with various beautiful women.
But, while Ms. Cicarelli looks rather hot in the video, her lover looks anything but.
The pathetic, speedo-style green swimming shorts he is wearing in the video are outright dorky. And his attempt to literally put some kelp into them, presumably to bolster his manhood, doesn't make the situation any better.
For Merrill Lynch to have a trader forced to put kelp into his pants would appear to be somewhat embarrassing, considering the reputation they are trying to foster as big swinging–well, you get it.
And that is probably what prompted the attempt to get the video off the air. The pants and the sea kelp. Not the sex.
After all, it is noteworthy that the lawyer making the petition to the court to get the video off the air represented both Cicarelli and Malzoni in the first case, when they won the order to have the links taken down, however, Malzoni then decided to go forward alone with the second case, seeking to ban YouTube in Brazil, after the video kept reappearing.
For some reason Cicarelli didn't seem so eager to participate in the legal spectacle anymore. And who can blame her? This is publicity she couldn't have bought for money. So there is not just a political lesson about investment bankers' ego in this story, but also a marketing lesson.
It's all associated with his skimpy little pants, filled with kelp, quite clearly. Because it couldn't be the act.
According to Bloomberg News, "Flavio Datz, a trader at AgoraSenior, Brazil's largest stock brokerage, whose office looks out over some of Rio's most beautiful beaches, said Brazilians love gossip and scandal but are reluctant to hold any of it against people."
"I don't think either of them have done anything wrong — having sex on the beach is common," he said. "At the same time, brother, everybody knows that you don't have any privacy on the beach."
And of course this couple must have known such a simple fact, especially considering that she is an MTV host and super model. And he is Brazil's investment-banker-playboy, known for your you-know-what.
In the end, what this story shows is this: Don't get caught with kelp in your pants, at least not if you work for Merrill Lynch & Co. And if you do, try to get a lawyer to ban YouTube from an entire country. That way you can show who is the big swinging d–k. And stop your friends from laughing.
Peter Rost, M.D., is a former Vice President of Pfizer. He is the author of "The Whistleblower, Confessions of a Healthcare Hitman." He also writes the daily Dr. Peter Rost blog.